Showing posts from October 2016
Our latest article has been published in the Chiswick Herald, click here to visit the site or read below:
- Boring as it might be do the research and read up on what best practice is for protecting yourself online.
- Think about your strengths and weaknesses in life - finances, relationships, health, parenting and then think about the benefits social media and technology can offer but also identify areas where you might be more vulnerable.
- Think about the experience of communicating and engaging with information and people and how this varies across situations and media.
- So what is it like for you to be with family, friends, colleagues in face to face situations - how does it vary and why?
- What is your preferred way of communicating in different situations and with different people and why? Face to face, telephone, text, facetime/skype, email, social media….
- So with whom and in what situations do you feel most at ease and in which do you feel least at ease?
- Can you now identify the people and situations in which you may struggle to communicate and those where you will find it easiest?
- In what way is this material / content / communication triggering these feelings - what assumptions am I making and what are the other possibilities?
- What do I want to do or say now and what might the consequences be?
- If I put myself in the other persons place how might they interpret what I do or say right now and what might result?
- What am I wanting from this situation and what if I don’t get what I want?
- Am I feeling under any pressure here and what is the source of this?
- Thinking about past situations are any similar - do I have a pattern of behaviour that can be unhelpful and is this an opportunity to change it?
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on October 26th, 2016 @ 5:40 PM
Tagged with: anxiety chiswick herald cognitive behaviour therapy counselling couples counselling depression existential analysis extistential therapy family therapy Gay Counselling london psychotherapist marriage guidance psychology psychotherapy relationship therapy weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Our latest article is published in the Chiswick Herald, please read below or click here.
On The Couch: Is Your Relationship In The Best Of Health?
“In relationships, believing that we understand our partners and that they understand us is the single biggest cause of trouble” says Chiswick based Couples Psychotherapist and Counsellor Nicholas Rose. In this article Nicholas explains how to keep your relationship in the best of health.
Understanding between partners’ comes from a desire for both security and vitally, safety – often closely associated with the idea of loving or being loved. If we feel understood, we are more likely to trust in our partner. Ultimately partners are the people most likely to be relied upon in an emergency and in emergencies nothing is more important than clear communication – it is nothing less than a need born out of a need for survival.
Potentially it all starts from birth – if understanding does not exist between us and our primary carers then we risk death – therefore the first thing a baby does is learn how to communicate with its primary care givers. How this is done depends upon what is learnt in the attempt to gain attention – is it more effective to be noisy or quiet, happy or sad, laugh or cry, well or sick, tidy or messy, dependent or independent, creative or practical - the list is endless. Therefore what we learn in the early days is the closest we come to have an approach to life and relationships that is “hardwired”. Simply put, we are good at doing or being in ways for which we have felt understood.
The implication is we need to challenge our assumption we understand and are understood around the most basic of concepts. For example, love. How love is expressed varies enormously across cultures, communities and families. Just ask your friends how love was shown to them as children and you are likely to get a wide variety of responses from food, fun, talking, not talking, sharing, giving, taking, education, discipline, fairness, holidays the list is endless.
Another prime example is how people are looked after when sick. In some cultures it is common for everyone to visit sick friends and relatives, in others the patient is cared for by being protected from visitors. Neither is right or wrong but someone who is used to visitors when sick will feel neglected and uncared for if their partner tells everyone to keep away as they need rest!
As adults we acquire the ability to enter into relationships on equal terms. Fundamentally a shared language and status provides us with all we need to build and maintain healthy relationships and understanding. It sounds basic and the principle is, however the skills are something to be learnt and developed. Here are some basic rules:
1 Words like “love” are short cuts – use them at your peril. Instead never assume that the word means the same to you and your partner.
2 It requires commitment from both parties to develop an understanding. (At the extreme, the presence of physical or emotional abuse in a relationship suggests that the commitment does not exist).
3 If you feel hurt by something that your partner does or says then (as long as it is not physically or emotionally abusive) it is likely that your defences and theirs are revealing a conflict of understanding. Do not assume that the intention was to hurt you, instead say how you felt and ask if that was what had been intended. Remember relationships often breakdown due to the conversations that have not been had rather than those that have.
4 Never underestimate the possible impact of change, difficult times and stress. Anything that changes your routines or patterns can bring stress that triggers defences – at difficult times in life you might find it difficult to recognise each other. Look out for bereavements, fertility issues, children arriving and leaving, career changes, health challenges and traumatic events.